Moving on

Moving on from miscarriage is weird.  There are so many more women out there who deal with this.  I wish people would talk about it more.  There is nothing to hide.  I didn't want this to happen to me, it just did.  I didn't do this to myself, no one did it to me.  There is nothing to be ashamed about.  This baby was not ment to be with me here on earth.  I know the Lord has a good reason for taking that baby.  It hurts to not be pregnant anymore, but it helps in knowing where my baby is.  I keep finding more and more people I know, or people of friends who have had a miscarriage.  I am not alone and I do find comfort in that.  To know this is not a uncommon problem makes me feel better, not great, but better.  


Trying again is scary.  Pregnancy will never be as care free as it was for me the first go around.  I had no fears, although I did know miscarriages existed.  I never had any complications to cause me to worry.  Since this loss, I know I will always be on the look out for something,  I am already praying for patience and peace.  I want to be care free like before.  I want to not be on my guard waiting in fear.  Above all, I just want to be pregnant and sail though to the end and deliver a healthy baby to snuggle.  I know it will happen, its just the waiting that gets me.  I am so not patient!  In the mean time, I am working on not being so in control.  I am not the giver of life. I try to remind myself of that all the time.  Its hard to let go and trust that in His time we will add to our family.  I have adopted this verse as my new motivation to give my fear and control over to God:


      The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul.   
    Psalm 23.

The encounter

When we decided to try to get pregnant again it was a "it'll be fun to try" kinda thing.  With our two year old we never had a "lets try".  We conceived her without trying at all.  A one time shot you could say.  Well, this time was different.  We tried in July, got pregnant and miscarried due to a blighted ovum at 5 weeks.  We are both more than crushed!  I didn't realize we'd get preggo so fast and then lose it even faster.   The saying of not wanting something so bad until you don't have it anymore is so true!  I think about this loss all the time, it consumes me.  I feel like all I see is pregnant women and newborn babies, not to mention the announcements of pregnancy.  My mind often drifts to where we could have been in this pregnancy.  I try not to obsess about it since we only tried the one month, but to lose something makes it worse than just a negative pregnancy test.  Not to mention telling people who we'd already told the good news to.

Life is slowly moving on.  My body took care of everything on its own.  I am still dealing with loss, but remembering that I can get pregnant, I can have a healthy pregnancy, I will have another baby.  Since I already have a child it makes it easier.  Just looking at her, I already feel so blessed.  Without her, I think I'd really obsess about being pregnant again.  Without her, I know I would wonder if we were ever going to be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby.

This whole miscarriage has definitely brought the hubby and I closer together.  He took days off from work to be with me.  He took me on a nice retail therapy shopping trip and is always checking in on me to make sure I'm not dwelling on it.  Hopefully the near future will result in the positive news we've been dreaming of.

Background

So a little back ground...

We are a family of 3; me, hubby and our 2 year old (sweetest thing ever!).  The life we live is perfect.  I am a stay at home mom to our little girl and couldn't be happier about quitting my full time job to be with her.  I always wanted to do this, just never thought in todays economy we'd ever be able to do it.  The Lord provides!  My hubby is so hard working.  We couldn't be more blessed with his job.  He is happy in it which is another added blessing.  Our little girl turned 2 in April and is the JOY of our lives.  There is never a dull moment with a two year old.  She is so busy and so fun.  She loves to sing.  Girl can carry a tune!  We'd love more children and recently decided we were ready to try.  Little did we know what lay ahead for us to encounter...

A blog: round 2

So this is my second attempt at a blog.  The first one had a few posts and then went public.  About 30 minutes (literally) later, my hubby vetoed the whole shah-bang.  Bummer!  Oh well, I lived and moved on from my new found hobby.

Lots has happened since that little blog disappeared much too soon.  Much is still the same, but we've encountered some trials along life's way.  Nothing this little family of 3 can't handle!

Hopefully this new blog will help me heal and get my feelings out, even if no one reads this I will be able to look back and see the progress we made and how life can change.